Love is a trip man. Lately I've been wondering if I'll ever get married. I'm hyper critical and so at the first sign of something that I perceive to be incompatible with my desires I distance myself. Acting like that makes me wonder if I'm too critical. If I'm expecting someone perfect that doesn't exist.
I'm also realizing that I'm loyal first to an honesty to myself before anything else. And so, as one person told me the other day, "you could be married for 20 years, wake up one day and feel like it was wrong and leave easily, that's scary".
I can actually see that happening.
But then again, I can't see it because like I said earlier, I just might not get married for fear of exactly that happening.
I'm not sure I want the whole working marriage thing that people talk about all romantically, as if that's what's up -- this partnership that becomes a work in progress and requires all of this effort to maintain and grow.
I have plenty of friends struggling with love and lost loves as well. Some have been betrayed. Well, actually most have been betrayed. I've even betrayed folks I love.
But is it love-of-person that shows its colors through betrayal? Or is it just our perceptions of a type of love that are actually merely corrected through betrayal -- a more honest version of love revealed through betrayal?
I know friends of mine who are married who betray their wives regularly, of course, without their wives' knowledge. They seem to accept it as the way things are. That bothers me.
I feel like if you're going to sleep around with people you might as well just not get married. Or if you are married it's probably a sign that you need to get a divorce. How can you be married with all the connotations of soul-matehood and love-of-my-life vibes and be diggin another woman -- or even be not diggin a woman enough to allow room for another? Does it mean you don't love your wife? See, I don't think so. It's more likely that it means you don't love your wife with the kind of love that marriage represents. And you might as well be as honest about that as quick as you can. The sooner the better, despite the hurt that there is sure to be.
But does there even exist a point at which a man doesn't have room for another?
But then again, some people get married too soon, and are too stubborn (or grounded) for divorce yet still have desires for other women (or lack of desire for their wife who they married without "due process").
What I want is to feel on the right track -- to be secure in the feeling that I'm doing what I'm called to do... that I'm serving a worthy purpose in the world and in people's lives. But I also want to enjoy my relationships. I want to laugh and be intimate and love and be safe and be vulnerable. And what I want in a mate is someone who is honest, vulnerable, who loves herself and God more than me, has good health, has a good spirit, a sound maternal instinct and of course is beautiful to me.
I say someone who loves herself and God more than me because I'm realizing that I don't like feeling swamped by someone. So wouldn't someone who loves herself and God and puts energy into those things before me be good for not clinging too hard?
Yet at the same time I wanna know that I'm loved and I wanna know often! I don't want no Jesus freak girl who goes to church 5 days a week or someone who is so into giving to herself that she's annoying and pretentious and cold or overly guarded. I like people who are naturally open and vulnerable and who don't make people work too hard to get to know them. Otherwise it comes across as arrogant to me.
It don't get anymore confusing than that!
I wanna feel good and happy and thankful everyday I'm around someone. Is that too much to ask?
Probably, huh?
Maybe it has more to do with my expectations and the depth with which I see people than it has to do with people actually being worthy of being thankful for everyday. I could probably practice being more thankful for people anyway -- and showing it.
But then again it seems like for me to be happy and thankful everyday for someone, the person almost has to be a catch -- someone that you feel you don't deserve but who you got despite that. Someone who is better than you.
Am I arrogant because I don't think I've met anyone better than me?! Oh no!
But if one person feels that way how can the other person feel that way too? How can two people feel like they got a steal of a deal? It seems like if one person is getting the steal then the other person must be getting the short end of the stick.
Some people tell you to just have fun and live life. But what is having fun? To me having fun is building intimate friendships/relationships with people, so I have trouble with this notion of living loose as if you have no ties and no cares in the world. That's not fun to me. I strive to get to know people. To show people that I trust them and to show people that they can trust me. I find a huge joy in the intimacy of friendship and relationships.
But of course there's lust. And that f***s things up real quick. Because the desire for intimate relationships when dealing with the other sex can easily turn into a desire for a sexual experience.
And here's where the notion of being honest with one's desires gets challenging because you have to differentiate between immediate desires and longterm desires and be wise enough to see when a short term desire might be incompatible with a long term desire. And that of course makes it hard. Because it basically feels like two instinctive desires tugging at you.
Being disciplined can feel like a burden at times, huh? And a short term desire or feeling can make discipline seem unnatural even. (!!)
One friend of mine says she doesn't believe in love anymore. I'm still fighting not to be at that place, but it's hard to love, man. But it's so worth it when it's working right, ain't it?
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Love.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Post a Comment
26 comments:
Wow!
My sentiments exactly!
And I feel you...
I think its all that you said, you know?
I think when you look at life as this long, growing process then its like, okay I'm going to LOVE a lot of people in my life. From parents, to siblings, to friends, teachers, etc.
To places and things.
And I'm starting to believe that a love between two people needs to be as natural as that. Just as mindless and thoughtless as the love for one's family (inherent). I've NEVER thought twice about the love I have for my mother or my sister. I may not always like everything that they say or do, but I've never questioned it, you know?
It's kind of how Kwame Ture (the man of this blog, huh?) states it "I KNOW!" Or the connotation of knowledge in the African (Yoruba in particular) sense, to know something is based on experience, way beyond thinking or assuming. Basically something you can swear upon.
That's LOVE to me.
The problem is as people we are imperfect. Sometimes we swear upon things and make inaccurate assessments. We're just plain WRONG! And that's the part that makes us doubt ourselves, and doubt our ability to make sound judgements ESPECIALLY when it comes to love.
I also think that sometimes we think to deeply on it. I mean what are most people in the world doing (getting married and making babies!)? Some folks don't even have a choice in the matter and they turn out alright, right?
So what are we to do...hmmmmmm?
I think following our first mind is imperative. More and more and MORE I'm realizing just how merciful God is! God will straight TELL you directly sometimes, NO! And I know that I can be stubborn and sometimes want to give a person the benefit of the doubt and try to believe that a person is for me when they aren't. Sometimes, they're down right AGAINST me even! lol! (I think that's something women tend to experience a little more than men, because most men I know have sense enough to run fast upon such discoveries!)
Anyway, I feel you and appreciate the honesty. I'm sure most folks out here are feeling the same way.
: )
It so awesome to me that I read your thoughts on love today. It was just what I needed; to reassure me that my choice to clear my plate were so on time; so very necessary. I am thrilled to know that there is a man out there that thinks as I do. I have a renewed faith in love and it's abilities. Thank you. :)
to answer your questions: yes, you're too critical.
yes, if you're gonna sleep around, you shouldn't get married.
yes, she should love herself and God more than you.
no, that's not to much to ask.
its not about someone who's better than you, its about someone who makes you want to be better.
yes, you're arrogant for thinking you haven't met anyone "better" than you.
its not hard to love. its hard to hurt and be hurt disappoint and be disappointed.
its simple. when you meet the right person, there is no doubt. when in doubt, do without. like electriclady said, you never doubt the love you have for the family you love.
would YOU marry you? do you think you'd make a worthy husband? those are the questions you should also be asking. we should all point the finger at ourselves first.
love shmove
we need role models who are in healthy relationships to teach us. and we need to be willing to do the work to build. and transcend the negative patterns we've accumulated over the years. and grow the f*ck up. and not excuse martin luther king for cheatin just because he did some good work for the community.
Like I told B we all seem to be retarded when it comes to love.
I'm facing the reality that what I thought love is, is not love.
I mean for real what is the definition of love and what does is it entail?
I don't necessarily not believe in love it's just that I don't agree with the definition that I have believed in for so long. That romanticized love. The everlasting companion that will be there always for worse or for better, till death do us part so to speak....
I'll get back to this....
I feel for the ones who don’t believe in love. If there is ever a time to agree with that it is when you are in a room filled with people who support that argument and I think it is easy to be caught up in that. It is a tricky world we live in and part of the reason why folks are so cold or hesitant to be open is from the cycle of pain that is dealt out every time we try.
thanks tamara for your comment :)
i dig what electriclady said.
love is something you know.
the issue is never with love, at least with me. rather its with being in an intimate relationship with someone you love.
thats where the pressure comes because that intimacy is voluntary. so it puts the love for a person in another place besides that of the love we have for family.
and since its voluntary and like you said we make mistakes, its scary and if your someone who hates to make mistakes like me sometimes you wonder if you'd rather just not try than to keep trying and making a bunch of mistakes.
and i definitely feel you about everything being alright. we're spoiled to have so much time to think about what we want... me, me, me.
but i can't front that that's been ingrained in me. that i hold work to be happy and satisfied with my life. its a hugely priviledged place to be in, i know.
and i feel you on following your first mind.\
ru's right about it being someone who makes you want to be better rather than someone who is better than you. i think that says it much better than how i was saying it. because i have met people who are better than me but i was trying to articulate that feeling that someone gives you that makes you want to live up to a challange... raising the bar for you. but not just raising the bar but making you actually want to do the work its gonna take to jump the bar.
and i agree its not hard to love. its the fact that its hard to hurt and disappoint that makes taking love and putting it into a relationship a difficult decision to make.
when in doubt do without. amen! do without a relationship right? or do without? cause i don't know if i'm that good to do the latter.
love - what a subject. it's nothing like what we think it should be, and everything we never thought it could be.
it's work. hard work. but worth every minute. it's growth, slow growth. but worth the pain it takes to get there. love is what we cultivate within ourselves, and from that we radiate love and attract a love that is compatible with our own self-love. during the eight years of my marriage i have learned lessons on when to submit and when to hold my ground, when to apologize and when to forgive. people don't come custom made. not even soul-mates.
from the words of my favorite poet, KHALIL GIBRAN: When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
people dont know how to love anymore they just know how to follow the script of human life and nothing is more important than that.........maybe jobs and everything else is more important to people than the essance of us which is love.......and really overstanding how to do it and live it in order to prosper.....ya boy...one of the few who know u as the t-shirt king:)
I'm guessing it's not hard to love, (I say "guessing" because I'm 99.9% sure I've never been in love, whatever that entails) but I do know it's really hard to open yourself up to another person and make yourself vulnerable. And that's for any kind of relationship, not just a romantic one. Once you do that, you invite something that can be at once very fulfilling and extremely painful. No one wants to feel rejected and be hurt and yet that's the risk you take when you push through fears of intimacy and try to build friendships and romantic relationships/partnerships.
My mom always tells me that at the end of the day it's worth it to take that risk. I guess she knows what she's talking about; my parents have been together for 25 years and married for 23. But when I look at some of my friends who also tell me to take risks, to "put myslf out there" so to speak, they're all having serious issues with their boyfriends and girlfriends (mostly betrayals and miscommunication) and it makes me wonder if I'll ever find someone who I wouldn't mind being vulnerable around.
Sigh.
wow its funny that I would read this now when Im going through so many issues dealing with love right now. Im a Peace Corps Volunteer living in Madagascar so I live in a rural village of about 200 people with no electricity and no running water. I get to internet probably once a month and I barely ever check this blog anymore.
Anyway I was living in DC with my boyfriend before I left and now Im on the other side of the world. Needless to say long distance relationships dont work especially for folks as young as me. So my boyfriend and I just broke up recently and Im really at a loss for what love actually is. I know I love myself more than I love him otherwise I wouldnt be living in Madagascar but why is it that you can still love someone after they do you wrong. Honestly I dont know what love is and I think at my age very few people do.
When I fall for someone I just try to take it for what it is, beautiful, fun, exciting and let things unfold naturally. I find that I cant analyze love because its completely illogical if you think about it.
In Madagascar the men all cheat on their wives. Its totally normal for the men to have 3 or 4 girlfriends outside of marriage but if a woman is caught cheating on her husband she will be disowned by the family, while the men have no consequences. Ive been told by men that they dont marry for love they marry so they can have a caretaker for their kids and someone to keep the house. Unfortunately the women accept this, they dont like it but they put up with it because they dont have as many options to support themselves and their kids. I got into an interesting conversation with a Malagasy friend after her cousin who is married with two kids was trying to come on to me. I told her how horrible it was that he was doing that to his wife. She agreed but I guess she was confused why I was so shocked. She asked me if men in America cheat on their wives. I told her yes but its not acceptable in America for a man to do that. I told her the woman would very likely leave him. It was very hard to explain and I doubt I got the point across because I still struggle with the Malagasy language. But after the conversation I found myself thinking, what really is the difference between men here and men back home. Maybe nothing, is it that women in America just have more options, the men less power so they stay in line a little more. Or as a society we just have a completely different understanding of love, and what it means to be married? So what does that say about love? Does long term monogamous love actually exist or is it just societies pressure?
I dont know just my thoughts
J9
often the person you're involved with is a reflection of yourself, so i can't really blame men who behave badly because there are women who accept it. i don't respect them though (the men for behaving badly). holding out for someone who wouldn't even dream of trading you in is empowering, as is learning to be aware of those that you attract, why you attract them and what parts of them are reflections of you. its all a process, the process of love, and as long as you don't settle, and you're willing to give up your expectations, you can't really lose. you just can't be afraid to be alone, because thats when desperate/dependent relationships develop.
and what brian said about "doing without".. i'm not so good at that either.. but how do you remedy that? are you just supposed to abstain until you're in a relationship? or is it ok to have an "understanding" while you're going through a healing process? is this why people have "lovers"?? lol.. this for me is a problem cause i can't really deal with a man being nonchalant about me 'cause i know i deserve more than that.. but who wants to do without?
Nira said, “Love is what we cultivate within ourselves and from that we radiate love and attract a love that is compatible with our own self love.” I thoroughly dig that.
Yet and still, I’m beginning to think that I (my tendencies, my aversions) am incompatible with love – at least the working definition of it – and, at least for now.
Like Nira and Ru, I’ve always felt that intimate love is like a reflection. A back and forth type of thing. A dance, in theory. But in practice, I am almost positive (and terrified) that we will get tired of dancing. We’re gonna get breathless – and not in the “we take each other’s breath away” sense either.
B, when you mentioned that someone told you “you could be married for 20 years, wake up one day and feel like it was wrong and leave easily …” that spoke to my biggest issue with love:
Is intimate love infinite? My fear is that my love will run out outta gas before said person gets to that “unconditional love” status. And even if they do get there … I’m probably damn near numb by that point.
Coinciding with that is the fear of my own inadequacy and inability to actively love –intensely—infinitely. Is it wrong to say that I just don’t think I have it in me? Premature, perhaps. Or is it the expectation that is flawed?
The thought of not being able to fulfill another’s fundamental need for infinite intimacy scares me enough to make me not even want to engage in the endeavor or even any semblance of the endeavor.
… Which leads me to question my own fundamental needs. Do I even have a desire to be loved intimately infinitely? It’s easy to say we all do. Yes, it’s a given that we need love but I think that it’s primarily for the functionality of it and how it plays out in family life and childrearing, and so on. But, all things being equal, in a closed circuit, so to speak, is it possible to be at the point where you have enough unconditional (family) love and intimate (relationship) love and in the right combinations and doses to say … “I’ll be alright knowing that there are people that I love, there are some that love me in their own way. There are a few that I adore and that I know adore me. And we will love each other forever, no question, no nonsense.” I can safely say that I would be content and grateful for that.
Inevitably there is going to be someone in that bunch who I portion out a little bit mo’ love and adoration to occasionally. And he’ll know that. And he will be someone who I’m intrigued by and who is a catch and who is indeed better than me (because it will automatically push me to be better for him) and I will lust for his entire being and existence – physically, intellectually, emotionally and of course, spiritually. And it doesn’t have to last forever for me. I’m just happy to know it existed … happened.
I guess it would make more sense if I explained my working construction of love. It’s kinda weird but it works for me.
I’ve constructed it in my mind that love is an aggregation of unrelated (or related) and isolated incidents and “moments” – which may or may not be with the same person. These are moments, perfect moments, where I “laugh and am intimate and love and feel safe and vulnerable” and then I just tuck them away and string them together whenever I happen to have a Jill Scott “Cross My Mind” moment.
I can fast forward, rewind, pause … erase. Where that becomes problematic for me, sometimes, is because it may make people think that I am distant, uncommitted, unengaged. And admittedly, I am sometimes. I have failed many. I have left behind a trail of broken hearts, and dreams deferred, and desires unfulfilled – and what hurts, sometimes, is knowing that the aforementioned things are never mine to deal with alone. My actions and decisions have repercussions. We affect people.
And that’s my problem with having this construction … because although it works for me temporarily, it can be damaging to others who want more from me.
It makes me think about the power that people/we have … that through our encounters with them they cause us to believe or not believe in love. Or even cause us to question its existence. I think of those who curse the name of love because of my actions or – in most cases -- inaction. I would say that that is the trade off for vulnerability. You give them that power to ultimately destroy you …and they will … because, dammit, things fall a part, eventually, but I guess if there is never an expectation for it to be infinite then it doesn’t matter.
^^ that blows my mind. i need to take a little while and take all of that in.
http://www.youtube.com/v/g2gID5bpXAU
^^ what does that have to do with love? and it's already posted here... do we need to see it again???
James Baldwin:
"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up."
"What if Love was just a necessary evil...a fateful desire required to unify 2 equals...If I stood alone on my mountain top...I would crumble to it's feet...would the world stop if my heart dropped and joined it in repeat...Chances are I might give all of me and die... or chances are that it's just all of me i try to hide"
kamille's post was a great read...
i have a lot of love in my life...family with friends included in that , good food, good books,medicine, and travel---my great love....i do think im far too restless and fortressed for any kind of one on one intimate love...which is a strange thing since i think i want a marriage ( i know i want kids and ive always seen the two going together)...but i can my spontaneous and impulsive and love the freedom of being able to decide that im going to spend a year somewhere without a thought to a relationship that i need to cultivate...maybe im too selfish to be "in a love" at this moment...my love for everything else in my life is enough for now...maybe between athens and zaire ill figure it out and be open enough to accept a kind of non-platonic love in to my life...and then maybe not..i love the world and my freedom to explore it and myself
and besides i RUIN relationships...i know a couple of dudes who will readily confirm
Imagine trying to figure this all out smack dab in the middle of a commited relationship. Someone so wonderful has come into my life and is everything I've dreamt and prayed I'd find SOMEDAY... However, the timing is really really bad. At this point in my life I am so loving the woman I have become thus far and really wonder if I can continue this same growth while someone else is depending on me to share so much of my time to grow. I have always been that serial relationship girl who ALWAYS had a boyfriend since the day boys stopped being gross to me. Only this time, after kissing many frogs, this one happens to be absolutely great! I'm talking about the kind of man that is so amazing, you didn't know this harsh jaded world could still produce someone like this. Do I let that go while in search of myself and my own purpose? I feel everything you said ... From loving your freedom down to ruining relationships (there are a few in my past who will surely attest to that on my end as well) but when your journey leads you into the path of that special person, do you give it up because they didn't make their way into your life when you planned. Here! Here! to whoever said LOVE SCHMOVE. One of those silly games the Universe plays... Be careful what you wish for is alllll I"m saying.
It really hurts me when I hear people say that they do not believe in love or that love has lost them or that they have become cynical or numb towards love. Love is confusing…very confusing, but so is everything else in this world. Our passions and desires and our life missions are often times not completely clear and constantly evolving as we are, but it doesn’t stop us from continuing to search for it. It doesn’t stop us from figuring it out. It doesn’t stop us from fighting for it. If we give up on love we have to consider what else we are giving up on. If we are fighting and pushing to create a better world and to have a more promising future if we are not able to have healthy relationships what then is it for?
Of course there are different types of love, from selfish to overbearing. We all love differently depending on our personalities and of course our life experiences. It is sad that some people, due to what their eyes have seen and their person has experienced destroy the idea of love for their partners, but as a people we can not give up on love.
We have a tendency to sometimes put love before all else or, all else before love. Neither one of those tactics is going to work in a healthy relationship. There needs to be a balance. Of course it is not the best decision to be overly obsessed with your partner or to overwhelm your partner, but it is important to be available and open and honest.
No relationship is all fun, human beings are made of flesh and of course there will be times when you have to work at things. I mean, in any type of relationship/friendship you have someone who is around you a lot, who shares your space, your body, your spirit. You of course have to have barriers (for lack or a better term) or maybe I should say you need space to breath, to think, to be alone with your thought sometimes. I think those understandings come from maturity and experience.
We would all love for that first feeling you get when you first start dating to stay in your heart, and honestly I think it does, I just think that it feels different and sometimes we are searching for that feel good sensation so hard that we look past how that love has grown and how that love has evolved. People a lot of times want to go back to a safe place in their relationship when it felt good, but the safest place to be is that place where you have to trust your partner with every fiber that makes up your body and you have to be vulnerable (and people don’t like being vulnerable all time). With that comes such great responsibility you then have to take care of this person’s heart. You think before you say things and reassure that person that you would never hurt them etc. So I think that once people are at a point of growth on their relationships, they are unable to identify it as growth and lose what they have worked for. Honesty is of course number one. Being faithful and true to yourself and your partner are of utmost importance. I too have been betrayed in love. And it just pushed me to be more honest with myself and everyone else. And in my next relationship I wont bring baggage but I will bring understanding and dedication to honesty and have higher standards for my partner and myself. But no matter what I will never lose faith in love.
For me, I love love. I want to love. I am open to love. There are things that I have that I want to accomplish first for myself. There is a place I want to be spiritually. There is a place I want to be financially, because I do not believe in being dependent on my partner but having a partnership, being able to support him, being able to provide as well. God made us the way we are for a reason, we are supposed to love, we are supposed to make love, we are supposed to hurt sometimes, we are supposed to desire, and the list goes one. Please do not let societal structure hinder you from loving. Great men and great women need to love each other.
Love is scary and confusing but only because we are not willing to allow ourselves to be hurt and because we demand things that are irrational from one another. Everyone in this world is capable of loving. Have I found that crazy bliss? No. But I believe in it. I believe in building with my husband and I believe in establishing a foundation that is an example for others and realistic, and able to be accomplished. I believe in a partnership and a friendship and of course a “loveship” and that to me is bliss. What is it that we can do together, what can we make for this world?
There is a passion that burns within me that I experience everyday when considering the direction of my life, school, activities, along with personal desires and I am personally excited to see what will happen with that passion when applied to loving a man who is ready to love me back in his way.
ilwing76, that is a tough place to be in and I dont envy your situation at all:-)...your post resonated with me bc on occasion i find myself wanting that specialness but I know that im not ready for it....i do hope that you are able to figure out which one you want more ( and i bet he is hoping its him:-)...im scared of that decision when it becomes my turn to choose myself or an "us"...there is a guy from college that im purposefully not opening my self up to the idea of reconnecting with because im not ready and i am scared...if i regret it then thats part of the lesson too...
the fear is what i wont to get rid of..i want to be comfortable with what comes and now that success or failure it doesnt reflect negatively on my worth and capabilities..and im a confident self assured young woman but i struggle with that sometimes...so i take you at your word of being careful for what you ask for...im asking for patience to get myself together before anything else...plus i always need an extended refractory period after a particularly disastrous situation lol...
brandy, your post is another good one....my motto is everything in time and also different mediums for different people...i will always have love in my life--things i love to do that bring my joy and through service in my chosen field---thats a lot of love...but the romantic stuff the way society metes it out is not for everybody im thinking..im trying to decide what is right for me..i dont want a 15 year marriage of convenience or a be two people who stay together for the kids only..i think id much prefer to learn in this interim to be okay with the ebb and flow of things...i know practice and experience is the best teacher but im trying to prime myself...so while im not giving up on it..im am jaded and reserved...
great post topic
I do not believe that one can be too critical when it comes to love, and that it is not one’s fault if your intuition and perception of the longevity of a relationship with an individual causes you to see sooner then they that long term, the two of you just aren’t going to work. We all have standards and expectations of individuals; I do not believe that anyone of us is better than the next man or woman. I believe that some of us are called to different levels of purpose and calling. Some of us are driven and blessed enough to know the paths that we should pursue, and people who are driven are entitled to wish for the same characteristics in their partner.
We all have different callings and often we tend to find the best in another and think that we are compatible with them and eventually you find that your not. It is as if you can then add to the list of standards and expectations that you have begun to accumulate for your partner to fulfill. This should not come with guilt though.
Someone perfect does exist, someone perfect for you, who can fulfill all that you fear does not exist. You can not loose sight of finding a woman who fits and fills all your ideals. You can find all that you wish in a woman, it is just rare to find an individual who is as balanced and aware of what she wants from and in life.
I have found that the most difficult thing in life to do is to hurt a person whom you are in an intimate relationship with. To tell them that you no longer want the same things as they do, but as you said you must stay true to yourself. I know that there are people whom feel I have been crazy for being in two relationships with a high level of commitment and then leaving, but the thing is I would rather hurt someone and leave then to wake up later one day down the line as your friend said and feel that it, the marriage was all a mistake. I think marriage is something you should only do once and if it takes you 15 years with someone before the two of you figure out that you want to be together for the long haul, then that’s what it is.
The defining moment for people to learn what love really is, is like you wrote betrayal. That is when a person realizes what kind of way it is that they want to be loved, that they have been hyped up about this notion of marriage like it is a piece of cake. The institution of marriage today is a disgrace; the way people get married and divorced today seems to disgrace all whom have been married and worked so hard at respecting their spouse and union with God that they made. It is not honored and seriously taken as it should be. Maybe you don’t want the “whole working marriage thing-that people talk about all romantically”, cause it’s a sham, the dream is for sale and everybody is buying it.
I enjoyed reading your question of is there a point where a man ever reaches that he doesn’t have room for another. This is a very good question. You write that you want a woman who is Godly as then perhaps she shouldn’t be a person who makes you feel smothered. I agree with this, granted this is from my own personal stand point; for me God comes before any and everything, this helps me to stay focused on my priorities and what I should be doing to stay on course and fulfill my calling. I AM hoping to find a man who loves God more than me as my theory is that he will not be perfect but he will be making an effort to live his life according to Gods word thus he should have no issues with respecting me. At any point in a relationship I believe that when two people who believe in God and understand concept of faith and are clearly committed over the course of time to making the effort to grow, change and adapt with one another will with time know the proper balance their partner needs between intimacy and what can just be too much of one person.
I enjoy going to church every weekend, I read the word and I participate in church functions outside of Sunday service when I can, but I know that my growth with God is happening within me and I am going to have this relationship with God no matter whether I go once a week or 2 a week. I have yet to meet a person who can stand others who constantly talks religion no matter which one and shoves it down your throat as if you and they have to be committed to the same things at the same level.
You are looking for a woman who is not cold or overly guarded but compassionate; would you say this is fair to say?
You will probably meet women and you will know within what would more than likely not be a long amount of time, you would know if she is a compassionate person. Your soul will know when it has found a woman compassionate to your level of satisfaction. And no matter what that level is, there is nothing wrong with having standards and expectations.
It may sound stereotypical on my part but I want a man who will be gentle enough to hold me and sensitive enough to feel when I need affection and attention. But yet a man who outside of our intimacy with each other in private is a strong man comfortable enough to be himself in his own skin, to be masculine and dominant but in a confident way in all that he does. So I like you think sometimes that maybe I am looking for and expecting someone that doesn’t exist, but I know in my heart there has to be someone out there who fills all my expectations, it is sad that I should even feel that I may be suggesting that my expectations are large. That one shouldn’t today expect great things of another is a tragedy. There is nothing wrong with wanting a thankful person as I find those people to be the realest and most humbled of all people.
We should be waiting on someone who will feel is a catch, someone who we find ourselves so fortunate to be with. That you have the pleasure to share their company, it is not so much that they should be better than you rather think of it as she should possess the qualities which you do not have or lack in and vice versa, she should be able to fill your shoes in your absence and it will be her strength and leadership, a maternal instinct which will amaze all, not that she is better but she has a very high calling. And she likely is sure to think the same of you. This is how both people will feel that they got a steal of a deal as you wrote, it is that you will do for her and provide in every way which she needs because that is what you choose to do for her, as she would do for you.
Finding huge joy in the intimacy of friendships and relationships is good, I am fascinated by humans and our behavior and communication or lack thereof and how we grow from all relationships no matter how they end or exist.
I bet you can think of a few people off the top of your head that have relationships that have suffered due to the lack or absence of communication in the situation. I would be curious to know what one considers having fun to be as well? I wonder if life passes them by due to a lack of truly meaningful and memorable moments with people. This is often where I see that again it is not worth it to settle, you should hold out for what you wish for, it will happen with faith and patience. I would like to have a lot of clips that play out in my movie at the end of this whole show, ya know?
You wrote about lust which I am still laughing about because you called it exactly as it happens. That it f***s things up real quick, that is exactly what can happen if one does not keep a conscious check of what is it is that one wants vs. what one needs, discipline is hard my friend. To tell yourself to hold out for intimacy with a person who will ask you and only you to fulfill their needs is a good feeling, the struggle between lust and discipline then becomes well worth the wait.
Keep faith that love is possible because everyone needs to be loved in different ways and I think with faith we will all find that person whom wants to love us how we need to be loved. And in time, probably based on proximity or values your friend will find the faith in loves existence that she has lost.
I keep reading that joint ^^ and I don't have anything to add.
I wonder if maybe i think too much like that tho and my view is too similar to that one for it to really help the convo because not everyone seems to agree with that.
I wonder if its a personality thing or a growth thing. the one thing i keep feeling is that you have to be loyal to your honesty to self..
I am trying to be extra considerate tho. I do think I could be more thoughtful.
but still... It would be the worst torture to live a life even a bit dishonest with myself for the sake of someone else's feelings...
as far as ur post kamille... that joint is super. you touch and are honest about the functionality of love, which is hard to admit because it can sound cold.
and you also bring up the idea of getting love from various sources or "in the right combinations or doses". and leave it up to your attraction to decide who that person is that you'll end up giving a "little bit mo" to.
its also deep how you added onto that "occasionally" which i think keeps it honest.
your ability to accept that it may not last forever is powerful as hell. that's a place thats hard for me to get to. because i place pressure on things to last forever. i really probably place the pressure on myself to where i feel like if i take of someone i then am responsible for making it last forever. that responsibility then feels like too much and then a withdrawal happens.
i guess there just needs to be understanding of that. but most great women [and i believe that the women i've invested time with in my life are great] do demand, if even subconsciously, some sort of committment or promise to make it last forever.. because everyone has personal desires and visions.. kids (their own), family (their own).. marriage... romantic ideas of eternal monogamous companionship, security... financial, sexual or emotional... etc...
so how is it that youre truly okay with saying: "And it doesn’t have to last forever for me. I’m just happy to know it existed … happened."
how do you get to that point?
There are few things I live by:
1) All is fair in Love and War (matters of the heart)- Cause I don't break up happy homes but I would not let anyone stand in the way of the man I will one day presume to be the one...so if there is competition, best of luck to her!!!! LOL....
2) The most courageous thing one can do is to find the strength to hurt another (honesty)
3) You WILL be treated how you allow yourself to be treated
These are things that if I keep in my heart and live out everyday I know, that I will always be actively practicing honesty within myself and towards others...
I think it is a mixture of growth and personality....
we all have to be able to step outside of our own opinions. if we can't do that we can't be considerate. but consideration doesn't mean not doing what you feel is honest. everyone could stand to be a little more thoughtful but even with consideration, (notice the key word consideration) meaning you HAVE considered the other party often we all have to do what's best for us.
I learned the hard way that living a life of dishonesty is torture, and I can't hurt that bad for anyone, never again. That's what brought me to my rule that being courageous sometimes means hurting someone else.
Post a Comment