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Love is a trip man. Lately I've been wondering if I'll ever get married. I'm hyper critical and so at the first sign of something that I perceive to be incompatible with my desires I distance myself. Acting like that makes me wonder if I'm too critical. If I'm expecting someone perfect that doesn't exist.

I'm also realizing that I'm loyal first to an honesty to myself before anything else. And so, as one person told me the other day, "you could be married for 20 years, wake up one day and feel like it was wrong and leave easily, that's scary".

I can actually see that happening.

But then again, I can't see it because like I said earlier, I just might not get married for fear of exactly that happening.

I'm not sure I want the whole working marriage thing that people talk about all romantically, as if that's what's up -- this partnership that becomes a work in progress and requires all of this effort to maintain and grow.

I have plenty of friends struggling with love and lost loves as well. Some have been betrayed. Well, actually most have been betrayed. I've even betrayed folks I love.

But is it love-of-person that shows its colors through betrayal? Or is it just our perceptions of a type of love that are actually merely corrected through betrayal -- a more honest version of love revealed through betrayal?

I know friends of mine who are married who betray their wives regularly, of course, without their wives' knowledge. They seem to accept it as the way things are. That bothers me.

I feel like if you're going to sleep around with people you might as well just not get married. Or if you are married it's probably a sign that you need to get a divorce. How can you be married with all the connotations of soul-matehood and love-of-my-life vibes and be diggin another woman -- or even be not diggin a woman enough to allow room for another? Does it mean you don't love your wife? See, I don't think so. It's more likely that it means you don't love your wife with the kind of love that marriage represents. And you might as well be as honest about that as quick as you can. The sooner the better, despite the hurt that there is sure to be.

But does there even exist a point at which a man doesn't have room for another?

But then again, some people get married too soon, and are too stubborn (or grounded) for divorce yet still have desires for other women (or lack of desire for their wife who they married without "due process").

What I want is to feel on the right track -- to be secure in the feeling that I'm doing what I'm called to do... that I'm serving a worthy purpose in the world and in people's lives. But I also want to enjoy my relationships. I want to laugh and be intimate and love and be safe and be vulnerable. And what I want in a mate is someone who is honest, vulnerable, who loves herself and God more than me, has good health, has a good spirit, a sound maternal instinct and of course is beautiful to me.

I say someone who loves herself and God more than me because I'm realizing that I don't like feeling swamped by someone. So wouldn't someone who loves herself and God and puts energy into those things before me be good for not clinging too hard?

Yet at the same time I wanna know that I'm loved and I wanna know often! I don't want no Jesus freak girl who goes to church 5 days a week or someone who is so into giving to herself that she's annoying and pretentious and cold or overly guarded. I like people who are naturally open and vulnerable and who don't make people work too hard to get to know them. Otherwise it comes across as arrogant to me.

It don't get anymore confusing than that!

I wanna feel good and happy and thankful everyday I'm around someone. Is that too much to ask?

Probably, huh?

Maybe it has more to do with my expectations and the depth with which I see people than it has to do with people actually being worthy of being thankful for everyday. I could probably practice being more thankful for people anyway -- and showing it.

But then again it seems like for me to be happy and thankful everyday for someone, the person almost has to be a catch -- someone that you feel you don't deserve but who you got despite that. Someone who is better than you.

Am I arrogant because I don't think I've met anyone better than me?! Oh no!

But if one person feels that way how can the other person feel that way too? How can two people feel like they got a steal of a deal? It seems like if one person is getting the steal then the other person must be getting the short end of the stick.

Some people tell you to just have fun and live life. But what is having fun? To me having fun is building intimate friendships/relationships with people, so I have trouble with this notion of living loose as if you have no ties and no cares in the world. That's not fun to me. I strive to get to know people. To show people that I trust them and to show people that they can trust me. I find a huge joy in the intimacy of friendship and relationships.

But of course there's lust. And that f***s things up real quick. Because the desire for intimate relationships when dealing with the other sex can easily turn into a desire for a sexual experience.

And here's where the notion of being honest with one's desires gets challenging because you have to differentiate between immediate desires and longterm desires and be wise enough to see when a short term desire might be incompatible with a long term desire. And that of course makes it hard. Because it basically feels like two instinctive desires tugging at you.

Being disciplined can feel like a burden at times, huh? And a short term desire or feeling can make discipline seem unnatural even. (!!)

One friend of mine says she doesn't believe in love anymore. I'm still fighting not to be at that place, but it's hard to love, man. But it's so worth it when it's working right, ain't it?

Originally Posted 9/12/2007