White Really Is All Right!

© Danielle "IT TAKES 5 MINUTES TO ACT LIKE YOU CARE" Scruggs

I just need to share this because I seem to find myself in the proceeding situation a lot and I need to get this off my chest. And also because I recently found out the asshats satirical “geniuses” over at Site I Can't Type Out Because It Sends Me Into a Blind RAGE! (I ain't done with yall yet!) might have a book deal for a bound edition of watered-down “parody” that isn’t half as hilarious or genuinely thought-provoking as Black People Love Us (I think I was talking about that when I was in high school) and Rent A Negro, a site I recently came across and makes me die with laughter. Or even the Broke Diaries, which was published in 1999, y’all. Not that I’m bitter.

I also want to emphasize that what follows really did happen; we here at the Liberator don’t tolerate the kind of crap pulled by Margaret B. Jones/Margaret Seltzer / Margaret Pocahantas-Kunta Kinte-Toby-El Hajj Malik El Shabazz-Little or whatever she’s calling herself these days.
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+Venue: Gallery opening at a sadly, now-defunct art gallery in the River West neighborhood of Chicago
+Time: September 2006
+The Players: Random Wanna Be Hipster (RWH) / Handsome Funny Black Man (HFBM) / and me (um, me)
+The Set-Up: I’m talking to HFBM, having a great conversation when RWBH walks up to us.

RWBH: Those shades make you look so Tariq.

Me: [I simply roll my eyes and think, ‘here we go.’]
Because I knew what RWH was going to do, probably before he did. Man, DuBois knew what the eff was up when he talked about that whole double consciousness thing. He probably had to endure this when he was at Harvard (among other things, I know, I’m not that oblivious), with well meaning students saying stuff like

“So, what’s this Negro Spiritual I keep hearing about? Is that a new dance?” and then W.E.B. holed himself up and wrote the Souls of Black Folk because Facebook and the LiberatorMag.com wasn’t around. Can you picture his status after countless conversations like that?
“W.E.B. is | so, totally annoyed right now! OMGWTFBBQ.”

Let me explain. Calling this grown-ass man he didn’t know “Tariq” was a reference to “Tariq Trotter”. You know, Black Thought, frontman for The Roots. (Who are coming out swinging right now, I can’t get enough of Peedi Crack’s verse on “Get Busy” although Peedi, you seriously need a new alias. And The Roots seriously need to call Common and build but more on that later.)

And HFBM did look exactly like Black Thought. If by “exactly” you mean about 6 inches taller, a few shades darker, and like, 50 pounds bigger but if you’re like, nearsighted and squint he kind of sort of looked like him, maybe if the lights had been darker and you’re a little drunk?
I don’t know. And ahhh, I’ll post the rest of this later. I really need to go to sleep but this isn’t over COONFOOLS OF THE WORLD.

I’ll be back.

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