On loving without fear / "Fear is blinding and it is the antithesis of freedom. I know this now more than ever"

What follows is a mid-stream excerpt from an e-conversation that is currently underway between KammyD and ElectricLady on, simply, loving and loving without fear with this quote as the catalyst:

"Relationships are never easy--nothing in which the sacred and the profane exist in such dynamic tension ever is--but for African peoples they are an act of revolution, gospels of defiant optimism, ancestral duets in two part harmonies that say: We are still here, in spite of everything, willing to try and build together, grow together, love together, and struggle together for an open future for our children that we can feel, but can't see."
-Ádìsá Ájámú

KammyD: I know you'll feel me on the simplicity of this. I just listened to Jay-Z's "Party Life" from his American Gangster album and every time I come up on this part of his second verse, I’m always like ... yes! It's a real simple hood formula. Reciprocity at its most basic level. I'm this -- and he’s that.

I'm on her bra strap, she's on my dick
Ain't nothin' wrong with that, that's my biiiiitch
I be the boss of that, I'm on her shit
So all you niggas fall back, I'll split ya wig
She's my little quarterback ....ya dig?
Cause I'm all that in the sack ....ya, ya dig?
I spoiled her
Foiled it if you fakin', Jack
She's used to million-dollar vacations
Fuck you all gonna do with that?

I mean really. If this was the formula I was working with? I'd be straight. LOL And then juxtapose his lyrics with Ayi Kwei Armah’s words: "Not merely taking, not merely offering. Giving, but only to those from whom we receive in equal measure. Receiving, but only from those we give in reciprocal measure. How easy, how just, the way." It’s so simple.

ElectricLady: It’s so funny because I love this album! I’m talking ‘bout I used to listen to this song in particular EVERY day for a LONG time! lol! And I’m right with you on the second verse. It always left me feeling like, yea this is Jay Z's grown man swagg cuz he is SO braggadocios about EXACTLY how he is holding wifey down. When he says "I'm on her sheeeeeeet!" it's like WHOA! He takes ALL of the things that folks would say on some negative tip about a Brother being in-love and he flips it … he ACKNOWLEDGES and is like yea I’m COOL with being on her bra-strap! lol! I definitely remember that saying being a negative thing that folks would say to Brothers who they felt were "sweating" a Sister i.e. showing love.

What’s most interesting I think is that I never was able to see it as something I wanted from a man simply because I didn’t even think it would be possible! For shame, in hindsight. So, I’m with you: This is all it has to be about.

For example, I was feeling like there was some distance between me and my love interest at the time so I was like you know what? I gotta get this off my chest so I wrote an email and then I sent it to him. But then I was soaking in the tub and the spirit basically told me that I really have to stop trying to explain myself to people and sell the idea of me to potential partners. My email wasn't accusatory, wasn’t asking him for anything, not complaining. I basically identified the fact that I noticed we hadn’t talked in a while, that I was worried that maybe I did something that might have created space between us, that I enjoy his company, that I’m not trying to control him or make him "mine," but was hopeful we could spend time when time and circumstances permitted themselves, et cetera.

No reply.


KammyD: I feel you and that's exactly it. I hadn't embraced the concept as something I wanted from a love interest either. I mean, I heard it, loved it, gave Jay his props for having his swagg in just the right dose that made it appealing, but totally dismissed it as something that would exist in the realm of reality. So it was weird because even though I acknowledged the appeal of it and the simplicity, somehow I still managed to distance myself from it ... the possibility of it. It's almost like I was saying to myself that it couldn't be that easy ... or it won't be that easy. For me. Like it has to be more complex than that ...

And if it did happen it was on some possessive ish or a little too much in some area or another, or otherwise, inherently imbalanced. Or, it was on some lukewarm, no chemistry tip where that mess doesn't even matter anyway. But paradoxically, I would cleave to Armah's words as a standard because they, to me, encompass the most profound definition of reciprocity that I've come across to date ... and it's like, they're essentially saying the same thing! One is more direct and brash, like you said -- this is how I hold wifey down AND how she holds me down. And this is our back and forth and give and take. The other is more abstract, but direct nonetheless; but it's like we need both, you know?

So when you said that the spirit basically told you to stop trying to explain yourself/sell the idea of yourself like with your love interest at the time -- I think it totally goes along with what Armah was saying specifically. Man, I find myself doing the same exact thing. Like, let me send this dude a perfectly reasoned and rational treatise so that he will *see*! And so I come back to his quote like a devotional. Like, in the instances where it's at the forefront of my mind, *the way* is so simple and clear ... and like the quote [above] with the ancestral duets ... the two-part harmonies ... it's like we must continue to fine-tune our roles in this epic dance so that we can continue ... sure-footed and without half-steppin! (even if, at first, the function it serves is to recognize when others are half-steppin, or not sure-footed and then respond accordingly). The first step -- huge step -- for me, is realizing that such a dynamic is possible. I'mma start with that because I never thought it so. And go from there.

ElectricLady: It’s wild though because it’s like really though? What the hell is wrong with people? Then, I realize that wait ... we’re in Babylon. And so ALL things relate like we're in Babylon. Damn near every aspect of our lives is so warped in ain’t even funny! And so, it’s perfectly normal for folks to do some of the most unreasonable and backwards stuff in the world.

It’s so wild too because sometimes a Brother might show himself to you, you know? And you to him? On some truly deep and cosmic tip … and I feel like that scares men. A lot. I don’t even think it’s about settling down even … because they end up settling down anyways (maybe to a different kind of woman … one who might even want *more* from them, ironically). But yea the ones who have broken free of the matrix, I think they too go through that "wait this AIN’T possible; cant be!" moment that we're musing on. I think they are just as unable to process the idea that someone can love them completely and wholly like that ... it’s deep.

Which begs an investigation of why it is that we are so distanced from the most natural things in the world that we end up questioning things we shouldn't and accepting things (blindly) that we should question vehemently. You know?

It’s a by-product of the world we live in ... knowing THAT it’s almost like it comes with the territory you know?

KammyD: ///"I think they are just as unable to process the idea that someone can love them completely and wholly like that...it’s deep."////

I need to hear the men's take on this. What's their stance on this? This is a question I must ask ...

Because it's like knowing that they are questioning it as well helps me to understand them ... knowing that they fear sometimes, just like me, helps me relate... but I also feel like I’ve experienced/ am experiencing a scenario where the man is accepting of this notion of complete, holistic love.

I feel like I need to get detailed here in order to give my perspective: My soul brother and I expressed that the greatest gift we’ve given eachother is/was unconditional love -- our whole selves, essentially -- and that we broadened eachother’s definitions of love in a way that it wasn't before. And he constantly reminds me -- through an alignment of intent and action -- of the TYPE of love he has for me. So as I navigate the love and relationship landscape, I feel like I have an anchor -- I know that no matter what, no matter how it manifests with these ninjas out here -- he loves me. I have in my possession the highest kind of love. The question once came up early on -- how do we explain eachother's existence to our mates? Current, future etc. I had to do it a while back when asked if I had a source of unconditional love outside of family ... and I was like "Yessir I do!" But I fully believe that I have served the same function for Him; I believe that he is able to love freely in his respective partnerings and be vulnerable simply because I exist and we have arranged ourselves in such a way to not block the free flow of love. And we hold each other down.

And granted, our respective 'relationships' are imperfect loves -- we both probably still experience relative dischord in them -- so it's not like our arrangement is the antidote to failure in matters of the heart. But it helps move it along. It provides a measuring stick. It helps me to be more expressive and vulnerable. It helps me to take more risks. It helps me to truly love. So it's like I almost want my potential mates to have someone in their lives like "me" or like a "Him" so that they will be anchored and free to LOVE without fear. It's almost like I want to see proof that you're able to cultivate a solid relationship that is timeless and limitless simultaneously, so that it doesn't scare you when you encounter it in a different manifestation. AND if they don't have such a person in their lives are you willing to BECOME that person in their lives and gift to them unconditional love … knowing that you may not get the superficialities often associated with modern romantic love -- but you'll have a love that lasts forever and they will be able to love others freely and without fear.

This question that you ask right here?:

///"Which BEGS an investigation of WHY it is that we are so distanced from the most natural things in the world that we end up questioning things we shouldn't and accepting things (blindly) that we should question vehemently. You know?"///

Is key. When Saul Williams says "The truth would have more questions..." it haunts me. I feel like I'm going to go crazy trying to decipher this in our lifetime. I'm feeling more and more that those early questions that we ask in the early stages of "collecting data/dating"... are essential and the answers are predictors of things. I'm feeling that there should be time spent molding these questions collectively and intentionally and “intergenderally.” During that process we'll inevitably be preparing our own answers, and molding our own expectations and reactions for the answers that could possibly come our way.

With Babylon being so out of order, by definition, I feel like being organized and deliberate about things like this is the only way we gonna make it out in tact ...

ElectricLady: ////"I want to see proof that you're able to cultivate a solid relationship that is timeless and limitless simultaneously."///

I am SO with you. And I think that the ONLY thing that could stand in the way of such a momentous combustion of cosmic unity completely (the realization in flesh and bone what destiny has manifested and the mind/heart have confessed) is in fact some semblance of fear, to some degree.

Fear is blinding and it is the antithesis of Freedom. I know this now more than ever.

As the quote [above] states, for us to love one another in the midst and heart of this Bablyon core of antihumanity, why, that is the most extraordinary, holy, righteous and revolutionary thing we can DO! Indeed. Love is an example of a truly liberated spirit ... to be able to love unconditionally ... to love one another without condition or boundary. I can imagine that our boundlessness would find itself in supporting and walking beside a Brother as he navigates the world and decides his road (and makes it by walking). And why wouldn't a Brother accept that kind of support? What is it in him that tries to walk the road alone (#greenday) as opposed to clasping the hand that is extended to him?

Fear. Not of commitment (as we are taught to see men). I do believe it is fear of the infinite possibilities of love (and its boundlessness), fear of vulnerability (to be loved means they have to get open, and to get open means they have let their shield down for you to come over to his side and behind his shield BUT that also leaves room for arrows to find their way and harm him in the process ... he has got to be strategic. He also must find a way to let you in without letting in the flies too...#screendoorideology).

And then in the meantime ... duty calls us. And we must continue pressing forward, loving each other and creating an awesome foundation. Yet, the question becomes ... have we maximized the infinite possibilities in this moment? In other words, could there be an exponentially more boundless and loving endeavor that can be embarked upon in THIS time and space that increases the love flow? What would THAT look like? Bliss, perhaps? How do we increase the value of every moment in love? We learn to do it with yoga, good music, better eating habits, etc. But we don't change when it comes to love, we stand behind walls and we never let it in fully and completely the way it could be! For real ...

Bliss. I believe it can be. On earth as it is in heaven.

This is what I want: Cosmic unity. I realize that so many folks are so intertwined with Babylon (whether they know it or not) that they end up living half-fulfilling lives: eating crappy food, working crappy jobs, having crappy love lives, etc.

And yet, we know that there is an alternative. And we work toward that. But then sometimes we interrupt our own pace and flow. So its like we are spiraling into outerspace (weightless) and then all of a sudden we start holding on to things because the free fall feeling is SCARY and we become afraid. Its almost too free. But WHY? Why is that scary?

In other words, why do we search the world for things that are right in front of us. And yet, we are taught to go searching all over trying to see if things exist in places where they could never be because that just isn’t what it is. And it is what it is, the universe already decided that a long time ago. (sheeesh...I say this and wait, I START TO FEEL THE FEAR IN MY OWN LIFE...uh oh! lol). But it’s cool though because destiny provides us this journey. So even when we might be going in circles literally, it is all for a powerful reason. I read that some planets take 200+ earth days to make one complete turn (from day to night) but then their actual year (full circle around a moon, for example) is like 20 days. So, time in the universe varies and there isn't necessarily a rush. But there is the need to maximize the exceptiona-lality of each movement/moment.


I used to wonder, how could Harriet leave her man, her husband and embark on that road to freedom … that bumpy ass, sometimes lonely (many times, most times), that gun-toting, just you and the stars and the woods kinda journey you know? HOW...I actually COULDN'T even imagine it... But now I KNOW. Like, I know I know.

I spent a lot of time trying to walk around in circles but never truly making that journey towards my destination ... mainly because I was fearful of the loneliness, the long walks, many times having to rely on my own wherewithal (whatever that may be). It looked like I was revolving but I progressed nowhere (I would see day and night repeatedly, but never progressing the whole 360+ around you know?).

And a LOT of this had to do with my inability to understand my patron saint, Harriet Araminta. But now I know what that is, you just HAVE to. The new formula for me is going in the direction of freedom + being highly focused and present in the acquisition of freedom + the necessity for the freedom-creating environment to be supreme peace and love + the inability to turn back + the knowledge and confidence in what I cannot see + the ability to commit to a vision that most people around me never will commit to or see or value + doing all this without always having that "kissy-face" comfort that would make it exponentially easier = Harriet Araminta-type ish. You get to a place where you can't wait or convince or beg or hope because you have to move on. And you cannot turn back.

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Originally Posted 12/30/2011

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